DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.



Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, &Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

...

We'll take Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, all the Bushes, Anne Coulter, Michael Steele, Strom Thurmond, John McCain, Timothy McVeigh, and Mike Huckabee (stay-puft version). All citizens will be required to carry papers proving they are white landowners, or risk deportation. Nonconformists will be shot, with irony. All sex will be between members of the same race, in the missionary position, and must result in conception that is carried to term.

You can have thoughtful discourse, educated representatives, complex views and a respect for complex subjects, free love, and weed.

either way we lose

Heh, well said Desmond, I'll keep it going on behalf of our Alex Keaton wannabe Mr. Wall:

We'll take inbreeding hillbillies, the Klan, Dick Cheney, an eighty hour work week, putting 2/3 of a person into the Constitution, oil spills, torture policies and child rape.

You can have technology, abolition of slavery, a forty hour work week, Social Security, equal protection under the law, and an Earth that isn't on fire.

Mr. Wall's right-wing religious beliefs don't allow divorce. dogmafail.

both the left and right are full of shit.

Why do conservatives think libs don't like guns? I fucking love guns. Every household should have at least one, and we can shoot the dumbasses who misuse them!

Now, where do I sign up for these life-affirming emails that tell me what I want to hear?

I agree with ark. And why I see no reason that you shouldn't license gun owners like you license cars. People can still drive a car without a license, but then they get deported.

There are clearly people out there who should not be allowed to own a gun, just like there are people out there who should not be allowed to drive.

Amusing letter/article, but I agree with about 1% of it. Sorry, Hose.

That's why I have no problem licensing guns. Only problem is that 50% off cops then would be allowed to own firearms.

Nothing but misinformed generalizations which misses the point. The point is that the two party system is one in the same. Both are tugged around by corporations. Nothin but a false paradigm. Those who blame the other side and fail to see the real issues are only propagandzed sheeple who are part of the system.

The liberal/conservative divide is a smokescreen fabricated to divert the attention of simpleton untermensch while the insidious faggots take power.

DER UNTERMENSCH!!

Yeah, I never understood the gun thing. Most of my friends are on the progressive side, and most of them own more than one gun. Then again, I live in Vermont, where there's no gun laws and everyone is liberal.